How to manage sibling competition and jealousy

Spotting rivalry between your children

It’s very common for children to keep a close eye on who gets what. With twins, triplets or more this can feel even sharper, because they often share so much of life already.

Your child might feel jealous if their sibling seems to get more attention, finds schoolwork easier or is invited to a party they’re not asked to. A bit of rivalry is normal, but when comparisons start to affect confidence, friendships or learning, it’s worth stepping in.

Try to notice when your children are comparing themselves directly with each other. Gently shift the focus to how they’re doing against their own goals instead. This helps them see progress as something personal, not a race they must win.

How jealousy and competition show up in everyday life

Jealousy often appears around birthdays, Christmas, school results or hobbies. One child may feel they’ve lost out if their sibling gets a present they’d hoped for, a better score or an exciting invitation. This can lead to sulking, arguments or comments that seem harsh.

Although it’s tough in the moment, these experiences can be chances for emotional growth. You can help your children name their feelings, practise empathy and learn how to support each other when things don’t feel fair.

Twins and triplets usually have a strong bond. During change or stress they may lean on each other more, then spread out into wider friendships when they feel secure. This can be painful if one child depends on the other more, or if a singleton sibling feels shut out. Reassure all your children that there’s room for every relationship in the family.

Family mealtimes can be a powerful way to keep everyone connected. Sitting together, without screens, gives each child a turn to talk about their day. You can listen for small signs of worry, then follow up one-to-one later if needed. These conversations also remind each child that their thoughts and opinions matter.

If a child often raises worries when they’re competing for your attention, let them know you’ll talk about it properly later, then keep that promise. This shows them that they don’t need to outdo a sibling to be listened to.

Supporting different personalities, abilities and identities

Boy–girl twins can have a very different pace of development. Girls often mature earlier than boys, including reaching puberty sooner. They may also, on average, move ahead in some academic, social or emotional areas. This can leave the boy feeling like a younger brother, even when they’re the same age.

You can balance this by valuing what each child enjoys and does well. If one child feels overshadowed, try to arrange some time for them with a trusted adult role model. Help them notice their own strengths rather than only seeing where they find things harder.

It’s natural for younger children to share hobbies at first. As they grow, try to offer equal chances to explore different interests. One might love sport while another prefers music or art. When each child has their own space to shine, they’re less likely to feel in competition all the time.

Avoid negative comparisons such as saying one child is better at reading or swimming. Even casual comments can deepen jealousy. A small dose of friendly competition can be healthy, but only when it’s balanced with strong encouragement and respect for their differences.

You can reduce outside comparisons too. You could:

• Practise answers together for common questions like who is older or who is cleverer
• Speak privately to relatives who compare the children and explain why it’s unhelpful
• Ask teachers to focus on each child’s progress against their class, not against their sibling
• Avoid using labels like the older twin, which can fuel rivalry

Managing arguments and keeping family life calm

As children move into primary school they become very tuned in to what feels fair. Small differences can seem huge when they’re already feeling competitive. It’s usual for one child to be more dominant, socially or academically. Friends and classmates might play into this without meaning to.

You don’t need to step into every argument. When it’s safe, let your children try to sort things out themselves while you stay close by. Help them learn to explain their feelings, listen to each other and look for compromises.

Sometimes you may need to challenge a fixed idea such as I’m not sporty or I’m the naughty one. If a child wants to opt out of activities because a sibling is ‘better’, gently encourage them to keep joining in so they don’t miss out on valuable experiences.

One-to-one time with each child is important. Short, regular moments alone with you can lift self-esteem and reduce the need to compete. Use this time to notice their efforts, offer praise and enjoy being together without their siblings.

When tempers flare, try not to rise to every button they press. Give everyone a chance to calm down, then listen to each child in turn. Rewards can sometimes help, for example for helping around the house or walking away from an argument. Keep rules simple, choose the most important battles and make sure each child has a fair chance to earn rewards that suit their age and ability.

If you’d like more support with managing competition, jealousy or fighting between your twins, visit the Twin Education website or contact our helpline (LINK) for advice.