Talking to your twins about differences between them

How school-age twins see themselves

Between five and 12, your twins move into a new world. There are school runs, birthday parties, clubs and endless WhatsApp chats about lost jumpers and reading books. In the middle of all that, your children are quietly working out who they are.

They’re not just part of a twin pair. They’re classmates, teammates and friends. One might be flying through chapter books while the other comes alive on the football pitch. One could be the first to volunteer in assembly, while the other hangs back, watching everything.

Twins, triplets or more are used to being compared. People notice them, often as a matching set. Teachers, relatives and other parents may comment on who is taller, chattier or more “grown up”. Your children hear all of this and start to build stories about themselves.

A lifestyle that includes regular, relaxed conversations about differences helps those stories feel kind and balanced, not fixed or limiting.

Everyday moments when differences stand out

Family life with school-age multiples is full of tiny comparison flashpoints. Sports day, parents evening, party invites, sleepovers and non-uniform days can all highlight differences between your children.

Maybe one twin brings home a glowing school report, while the other is trying really hard but still struggling. Perhaps one is always being asked to play, while the other feels left out. Even simple things like clothes sizes or who needs new shoes first can start a quiet tally in their minds.

You might find yourself editing your reactions. You want to cheer when one child wins an award, but you catch the look on their sibling’s face. You want to reassure the child who is behind, but you don’t want to dim the other’s achievements.

This is where a lifestyle mindset helps. Instead of waiting for big, serious talks, you weave gentle, honest comments into everyday life. You treat differences as normal, expected and even useful in a family.

Lifestyle habits that celebrate individuality

You don’t need complicated plans to help your twins, triplets or more feel special in their own way. Small, repeatable habits fit more easily into real life and make a bigger difference over time.

You could try:

• Building short one-to-one rituals, like a weekly walk, hot chocolate stop or bedtime chat
• Choosing some clubs or activities that reflect each child’s interests, not just what suits everyone
• Using language that focuses on effort and kindness, not just natural talent
• Pointing out how their differences help the family, for example one is calm under pressure, another makes everyone laugh
• Using books, films and sport to show that people succeed in many different ways
• Inviting each child to choose their own clothes, bedroom details or hairstyle when possible

These small choices send a powerful message. They say ‘you belong together and you matter as yourself’. Over time, that shapes how your children see themselves far more than test scores or comments from others.

Keeping the twin bond strong as they grow

Talking about differences does not weaken the twin bond. In many families, it actually protects it. When children feel secure in their own identity, they’re less likely to compete constantly or pull away from each other.

You might notice phases where one child is more confident, or where one needs extra support because of health, learning or friendship issues. Being open about this helps. You could say that everyone in the family has things that feel easier and things that need more help.

Try to avoid turning strengths into fixed labels, such as ‘the clever one’ or ‘the sporty one’. Instead, describe what you see right now. For example, ‘you’ve worked hard on your reading this term’ or ‘you’ve really practised your swimming’. That leaves room for change.

Most of all, keep listening. When one child complains that the other is “better at everything”, they’re really saying, “Do you see me too?” A quiet chat on the walk home, a cuddle on the sofa or a note in a lunchbox can all answer that question with a yes.

By building a lifestyle that honours both togetherness and individuality, you’re giving your twins skills in empathy, respect and self-belief that will carry them into their teenage years and beyond.