Key takeaways
Bonding can be instant or it can take time, and both are normal
Feeling detached when your babies first arrive can happen and it often eases
Small, regular moments of connection help your babies learn you’re their safe place
Even a few minutes of one-to-one time can help each baby’s relationship with you grow
Bonding with your babies when feelings are mixed
Becoming a parent can feel different for everyone, whether you’ve had one baby or twins, triplets or more. Some parents feel a rush of love straight away. Others feel surprised, numb or unsure at first.
If your feelings don’t match what you expected, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Bonding isn’t a single moment. It’s something that builds through everyday care, over days, weeks and even months.
If you’re separated from one or more of your babies, for example because they’re in neonatal care, things can feel even less ‘real’. You might feel disconnected or struggle to believe you’re their parent. That can be upsetting, but it’s also a common response to an intense situation. We’ve also got more information on how to bond with your babies in NICU. (LINK TO BONDING WITH BABIES IN NICU ARTICLE)
How attachment grows in the early weeks
Babies need a close emotional bond with a caregiver. This secure attachment helps them feel safe, which supports learning, exploring and early communication.
You don’t have to do anything complicated to build it. Your babies learn you’re their safe base when you meet their needs again and again.
In the early weeks, try weaving connection into what you’re already doing. When you’re changing nappies, feeding or settling them, talk to them about what’s happening. Your voice becomes familiar and soothing, and it also helps them start to recognise words.
— Top tip from a parent of twinsI had a different song that I would sing to each of my babies when I changed their nappy, you do this a lot of times each day so these couple of minutes with them gave me the chance to sing to them whilst doing the nappy change
It can also help to slow down and notice their signals. They might turn their head, move their arms, change their cry or relax when you pick them up. When they start making little sounds, try pausing to listen, then responding. This back-and-forth is an early form of conversation.
If you’ve got more than one baby to care for, it’s normal to worry you’re not giving each child enough. Bonding doesn’t need hours. A short cuddle, a gentle chat or a few minutes of eye contact can be enough to build connection over time.
If one or more babies are in neonatal care, you can still bond in small ways. If staff say it’s safe, you might be able to do skin-to-skin, hold their hand, speak softly or help with feeds and nappy changes. Even being present and learning their cues can strengthen your confidence as well as your relationship with them.
Bonding with triplets or more can feel especially hard, simply because your attention is divided. Try to focus on what’s realistic. Five to 10 minutes of individual time each day can help you notice each baby’s personality and give them a chance to learn your calm, familiar presence.
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Making one-to-one time possible with more than one baby
When you’re caring for more than one baby, you deserve support. If you can, ask a trusted friend or family member to help, even if it’s only once a week.
One practical idea is to ask someone to take one or more baby for a stroll in the pram while you stay at home with the other(s). You can then swap which baby goes out next time, so each child gets a turn with you.
If you’re parenting alone, you can still create one-to-one moments. You might do a short bath with one baby while the others nap, read a quick story to one child after a feed or take turns having a cuddle while the others are safely settled nearby.
Try to keep your expectations kind and flexible. Some days, it’ll happen. Some days, it won’t. What matters is the pattern over time, not doing it perfectly every day.
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When bonding feels slow, be kind to yourself
If bonding feels slower than you hoped, you’re not alone. Lack of sleep, recovery from birth, stress and worry can all dull emotions, even when you care deeply.
It can help to remind yourself what bonding often looks like in real life: turning up, feeding, comforting, noticing, trying again. These quiet moments count.
If you’re feeling persistently low, very anxious, disconnected for a long time or you’re worried about your mental health, you deserve support. Talking to your midwife, health visitor or GP can be a good first step. You don’t have to wait until you’re at breaking point.
You’re learning your babies and they’re learning you. With time, care and support, that relationship can grow into something strong and secure.
If you have concerns about your mental health, please take a look at this article and how to get support. (LINK TO PERINATAL ARTICLE)
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