Handling assumptions and questions kindly

Dealing with curious questions about your LGBTQIA+ family

When you’re out with twins, triplets or more, you can feel like public property at the best of times. Add in the fact that you’re an LGBTQIA+ family and the questions can become even more personal.

People might ask who the ‘real’ mum or dad is, how your children were conceived, whether they all have the same donor or which one is ‘biologically yours’. Sometimes it’s clumsy curiosity. Sometimes there’s a hint of judgement, even if the person doesn’t realise it.

You might feel pulled in different directions. Part of you wants to educate and be visible, so other families like yours feel seen. Another part just wants to buy bread without explaining fertility treatment, adoption, donor conception or surrogacy to a stranger in the queue.

Handling assumptions and questions kindly doesn’t mean putting everyone else’s comfort before your own. It’s about finding ways to reply that feel calm and safe for you, while still honouring your family and your story.

Why comments about LGBTQIA+ families can hit a nerve

On paper, some comments can look harmless. In real life, they land on top of everything you’ve already carried to create your family. That’s why they can feel so sharp.

Maybe there’s been a long fertility journey, countless appointments and financial worries before your babies arrived. Questions about whose eggs, whose sperm or whose body carried the pregnancy can open up memories you’d rather not revisit in the middle of soft play.

If you’re a transgender or non-binary parent, you might be facing extra layers of misunderstanding. People may misgender you, ignore your role or talk as if your children will be confused just because you don’t fit their picture of ‘mum’ and ‘dad’. Even well-meaning professionals can get this wrong and that can sting.

And then there’s the volume of it. Questions that might be easy to brush off once can feel overwhelming when you hear them again and again in one busy day. You’re not just answering, you’re also pushing the buggy, planning naps, checking the time on the parking ticket and making sure no-one eats something they’ve found on the floor.

Knowing why certain topics feel sensitive is important. It helps you spot when you need to protect yourself a bit more, instead of pushing your feelings down because ‘they didn’t mean anything by it’.

Kind ways to respond when people get it wrong

You don’t need a perfect script or a brave, educational speech ready for every situation. A small handful of phrases you feel comfortable with can make a huge difference, especially when you’re tired.

You could try:

• Light, positive answers for small talk you’re happy to join in with
• Short, closed replies when you don’t want to invite more questions
• Clear, kind boundary-setting for anything that feels too personal

For example, if someone says, “so which one’s yours”, you might smile and say, “they’re both ours”, then move the conversation on. If you’re asked, “who’s the real mum or dad”, you could reply, “we’re both real parents, that’s what matters”, and change the subject.

When the questions go into private territory, like donors or fertility treatment, you’re allowed to shut that door gently. Phrases like, “that’s part of our private family story”, “we don’t share that with people we don’t know well” or “what matters is that they’re loved” can protect your boundaries without starting an argument.

Some parents find it helpful to decide in advance how much they’re happy to share with different people. Close friends might know the full story. Casual acquaintances get the shorter, ‘we had some help to grow our family’ version. Strangers get almost nothing.

If you’re in a situation where you feel cornered, it’s OK to end the chat. A simple, “lovely to talk, we need to get going now” is enough. You don’t have to stay and answer just because someone asked.

Being kind includes being kind to yourself. You’re allowed to prioritise your comfort over someone else’s curiosity.

Looking after yourself as an LGBTQIA+ parent of multiples

Even when you handle questions calmly on the outside, you might still feel shaky, angry or sad afterwards. That doesn’t mean you were too sensitive. It just means your feelings are doing their job and letting you know that something touched a sore spot.

Talking it through with someone who understands can really help. Another LGBTQIA+ parent of twins, triplets or more, a trusted friend, partner or online group can offer reassurance and share their own stories. Hearing ‘that happened to us too’ can ease the sense of carrying it alone. You can join our online community.

You might start to notice patterns. Perhaps certain places, like family events or medical appointments, leave you feeling drained. Knowing this gives you options. You could bring another adult for backup, plan a comforting treat afterwards, or prepare a couple of firmer boundary phrases to use if you need them.

It can also help to balance the hard moments with affirming ones. That might be reading books that reflect families like yours, following LGBTQIA+ parents on social media, or joining groups where your family is the norm rather than the exception.

If people’s assumptions are affecting your mood a lot of the time, or bringing up difficult feelings you’re struggling to shake, it’s worth talking to a professional. Your mental health matters, and it’s absolutely OK to ask for support.

Your family is real, valid and wonderful, however it was created. With a few gentle phrases, some clear boundaries and support from people who see you, those everyday questions can feel less like attacks and more like background noise you know how to handle.