Building a bond with your babies in neonatal care

Finding your place while your babies are in neonatal care

It’s common for twins, triplets or more to need extra support in hospital after birth. If your babies are in neonatal care, you might feel like you’re watching other people do the parenting for you.

That distance can feel painful. You may also be recovering from birth, coping with worry, juggling travel and childcare, or trying to split your time between babies in different rooms. All of that can make bonding feel harder.

Even so, you’re still their parent. Your connection doesn’t depend on doing everything straight away. It grows through repeated, familiar experiences, including your voice, your touch and your steady presence.

Feeling involved in your babies’ day-to-day care

When you first arrive on the neonatal unit, the doctors and neonatal nurses will explain what support your babies need right now. They’ll also talk you through what may happen next and how long they expect your babies to stay.

It can help to ask a simple question: “What can I do today?” Staff are used to parents feeling unsure, especially when incubators, monitors and tubes are involved.

As your babies become more stable, you’ll usually be able to do more of their routine care. That might include feeding, dressing, washing and settling them. If you’re nervous, ask staff to show you once, then stay close while you try.

If you can’t be at the hospital, you can still stay connected. You can call the unit for updates and some units use online platforms so you can check in between visits. It can also help to keep a small notebook of questions, updates and milestones, so you feel part of the story of their care.

Practical ways to build closeness through touch, voice and feeding

Your babies learn who you are through familiarity. Hearing you talk, smelling your skin and feeling your hand on theirs can be reassuring, even when they’re very small.

Here are some gentle ways to connect that often work well in neonatal care:

You can try small bonding moments like these:

• speaking softly to your babies
• resting your hand on their back or holding their hand with guidance from staff
• bringing a clean cloth that’s been against your skin so they can smell you
• taking photos and notes, then talking to them about what you’ve noticed
• reading a short story, a rhyme, or simply telling them about your day

Once your babies are strong enough to come out of the incubator, you can ask about skin-to-skin contact, often called ‘kangaroo care’. This can support bonding and may also help your babies regulate their temperature, heart rate and breathing.

Neonatal staff can help you get your babies out safely and settled on you. If you’d like to hold two babies at once, ask what’s realistic for your unit and your babies’ current needs. Sometimes you’ll do one at a time and that’s still valuable.

You might find it easier if your babies are dressed in premature baby clothes that open flat. That can make changes quicker and reduce how much their wires and lines need moving.

Feeding and bonding in the neonatal unit

Feeding can feel like a big part of bonding, but it can look different in the early days. If your babies are born early, they may not yet be able to coordinate sucking, swallowing and breathing. That’s why some babies are fed through a special tube called an NG tube.

Your team can show you how feeding works and how you can be involved. Even when milk is given through a tube, you might be able to:

• Help prepare the feed with support from staff
• Offer comfort during and after feeds
• Do paced bottle feeding when your babies are ready

If you choose to breastfeed, you’ll often start by expressing colostrum by hand. After a few days, that changes into breast milk and you can usually use a pump.

Many parents are advised to express every three to four hours, including overnight, to help build supply. You can express at home and bring milk in using a cool bag. Most neonatal units have dedicated fridge space, and many also have hospital grade pumps and a private space you can use.

However you feed your babies, you’re still building a bond. If breastfeeding doesn’t go to plan, it doesn’t mean you’ve missed your chance to connect.

Support that can help you stay steady

Neonatal care can be a rollercoaster. Some days you’ll feel close and hopeful. Other days you may feel helpless or numb. Both are normal.

If you’re struggling, tell someone on the unit. You can also reach out to Twins Trust for support from people who understand life with multiples within our Online Communities (LINK) and if you are a premium member you can read other parents' stories on how they managed in NICU through our guide (LINK).