Twin girls and autism: recognising meltdowns, masking and anxiety

Nearly 11 years ago, when my twin girls were born, autism was something we knew very little about. The topic rarely made headlines, and when it did, it often focused on negative stories. To make matters worse, discussions about autism were almost always about boys, not girls, let alone twins. So when one of my daughters was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) at the age of 10, it became a pivotal moment for our family, completely changing how we navigated daily life.

Families with multiples, like ours, often face unique challenges in seeking support. The assumption that all twins share the same traits can make it harder to recognise when one child’s needs are different. Additionally, in a busy family life, these differences can easily be overlooked or misunderstood. For families like mine, Twins Trust is invaluable. They also provide a space for families to connect with others who understand the complexities of raising multiples with additional needs.

Embracing their individual differences

From the very start, it was clear that our twins were distinct individuals, yet it took time for others to truly understand this. One of my daughters is bubbly and energetic, while the other is more reserved and calm. These personality differences were apparent even as toddlers. The energetic one was often the first to hit milestones, standing and walking ahead of her sister. At the time, these differences were simply part of their natural development.

However, by age two, these differences started to become more noticeable and difficult to understand. What had initially appeared as personality traits began to show up in ways that felt harder to pinpoint, especially when we didn’t have the language or the understanding to interpret them.

Recognising the signs of autism

In retrospect, some of the behaviours we thought were simply “tantrums” were, in fact, indicative of something much deeper. One of my twins would often have emotional breakdowns—episodes that didn’t feel like “naughty” behaviour, but rather like an intense, uncontrollable reaction to overwhelming situations. These meltdowns were often triggered by something as simple as a change in routine, and they left us struggling to understand what was going on.

At the time, we had no idea that what we were witnessing were autistic meltdowns—intense emotional responses to sensory overload and anxiety. Instead, we chalked it up to typical toddler tantrums. The other twin, who was generally more easygoing, didn’t display the same struggles, which only increased the anxiety for the twin experiencing meltdowns. Watching the two of them trying to make sense of their vastly different experiences in the world was heartbreaking.

The impact of masking and hidden struggles

As time passed, it became increasingly clear that one twin was struggling, but it was hard to pinpoint why. In part, we didn’t see the signs of autism sooner because it can present differently in girls, and our daughter was incredibly skilled at masking her challenges. Being a twin meant she could imitate her sister—copying her actions, words, and behaviours to blend in. She learned to hide her struggles behind this mask of normalcy, which made it even harder to identify what was truly going on.

This ability to mask her difficulties, while it might have appeared like coping, was actually deeply damaging. The constant effort to hide her struggles led to anxiety and burnout, which later manifested as mental health issues. She was often exhausted, trying to keep up with the expectations of others and pretending everything was fine. But internally, she was struggling.

Despite her struggles, both twins excelled academically, which added another layer of confusion. From the outside, it appeared as if they were both thriving, but behind the scenes, one twin was quietly facing immense challenges. Being a twin with autism was both a blessing and a curse. While the twins shared a close bond, the struggles of the autistic twin often remained hidden, making it harder for us as parents to understand and respond appropriately.

Better support

Now that we have a clearer understanding of autism and what it means for our daughter, we can better support her. But we also recognise the need to support her twin sister, who has her own unique experience as the sibling of someone with special educational needs. This journey has taught us the importance of providing the right kind of support for both girls—not just the one with autism, but also for the twin who has been navigating life alongside her, often without fully understanding why things were different.

Thanks to the insights we've gained, and the support we've found through Twins Trust, we are in a much better position to help our family thrive. Autism is a part of our story, but it doesn’t define who they are. We continue to learn, adapt, and celebrate their individuality, knowing that with the right support, both twins can face the future with confidence and resilience.